Covid-19 has stripped us of all our competitive races for the short and possibly medium term , we are relying on our own running clubs or our social media network to keep us engaged due to the uncertainty of when life will return to something that will resemble normality.
I would say I’m not someone that has suffered with mental health issues, but I am an adult and have had to deal with and dealt with many things over my life that have given me ups and down throughout my life.
Miles for mind represents for me a community coming together and supporting a challenge, whether that be 25 miles or up to 200 miles, whilst also raising awareness and supporting the charity Mind. It is ensuring I stick to getting out the door regularly and lacing up and keeping me accountable to the miles and the medal, its keeping me feeling productive and that I’m progressing weekly and that I’m apart of a collective doing something good, and that by signing up the profits from the sale go straight to the charity and onto the front line to those who need the support most.
Getting out the door is not always the easiest and, in these times where in most cases we are often left wondering why and what’s the point? I think the Miles for mind challenge gives me certainly a sense of purpose. I have running goals that will carry on into the rest of the year and beyond but focusing on the here and now is what will enable me to hit those goals later in the future.
Whilst we have no races penned in and the plans for the future seem to be changing on a daily basis and what we read from our latest friends social media updates blurring our prospective even further I think for me you can only control what you can control, for me that’s eating, drinking, resting well and ensuring I get regular fresh air in accordance with the latest guidelines and work towards hitting my Miles for Mind May target of 150 miles.
There are around 6500 entrants but many more people around us who use exercise as a form of release, a chance to clear the mind and forget about the day, or gain clarity upon a situation, I often have my most productive (or down right weird) thoughts whilst out running, would I change it? Absolutely not!
Running has given me a great deal and every chance I get to give something back, put my hand back to help someone along. Offering a few kind words can change the outlook on, a run, a day, a week, a month, a year, a life!
Time to go for that run……
I started running as a 25-year-old who’d just got her first proper grown-up office job and thought she’d better do something to compensate for the amount of time suddenly spent sat at a desk or in the car. (There is a clue in the word ‘compensate’, but we’ll get to that.) I’d never been ‘sporty’, even used to pretend to have an injury to get out of cross country runs at school. But then something happened. I realised in my early painful but exhilarating attempts to run laps in the local park – in £13-trainers and a sports bra that was worse than useless – I like this; I can do this.
Fast-forward a year and I’ve run my first half marathon (and spent significantly more on kit), gliding slightly uncomfortably under – what feels like – that all-important sub-2-hour mark. Now it’s on. I want to get faster and better because this was so joyously exciting and I need this feeling again. There is not much in life that you can quantify and measure in such a way (there is one other notable thing, for me, but we’ll get to that). To set a goal and be able to track your progress in minutes and seconds. To keep getting under your next target. The thrill when you hit it getting ever-more short lived as you yearn for the next, and soon, you realise, you’re telling yourself that whatever it is you’ve just achieved isn’t good enough. That self-deprecating narrative that you should have done better – will have to do better next time – becomes so familiar it feels like it must be true.
Before too long, whatever I did, it never felt like enough. I thought that determination was always a good thing, that taking it easy on myself was making excuses, being weak, and that not hitting my goals made me an unforgivable and irredeemable failure. I flogged myself through two marathons in three months, convinced that anyone who tried to tell me that I was overdoing it just didn’t get it. I repeatedly told myself that I didn’t have a problem, that I did need to be thinner to be faster, and that I was losing weight in the healthy pursuit of a valid goal. (Right, okay, full honesty time: I was first diagnosed with an eating disorder aged 19. I love running because I love running, but at times I have also very much loved running because, misused and combined with extremely disordered eating habits, it can help me to achieve what I believed to be the other worthy goal in my life: losing the next X kgs.) Finally, I looked ‘like a runner’, as anyone who didn’t know me well, and was unfamiliar with my rather more solid and fleshy natural frame, would say. To my husband and family, I looked like a sad waiflike shadow of myself.
Now, aged 31 and after a year or more of struggling with injuries and gaining the amount of weight it’s possible to gain when you stop starving yourself and find that you literally cannot stop eating, I’m starting to hit the kind of mileage I used to knock out in the bad old days when my desperation to ‘look like a runner’ grew to overshadow all the joy I once found in running. (Untangling this relationship was – is, I should say, as it’s an ongoing process – a massive challenge, but worth it because I love running and want to keep doing it, just, you know, without the amenorrhea and other assorted physical and mental health risks.)
It feels completely different now; I run because I want to. And, when not in lockdown circumstances, with two amazing clubs, full of wonderful people who’ve helped me to learn that sociable ‘chatty pace’ runs are a good thing, and that it’s not all about PBs. I’m trying to learn to channel some of the support and kindness that they routinely show each other into my own internal narrative. If you’d told me that one day I’d be able to enjoy a 20-mile training run with friends from my club, that I’d talk breezily and with excitement about what we were going to eat when we’d finished – that my brain didn’t automatically start doing the calorie maths to figure out whether I would strictly ‘earn’ that takeaway – that it wouldn’t be the end of my world when the marathon that was supposed to follow that training was postponed, I’m not sure I’d have believed you. But, thankfully, things have changed and that happened.
Thanks for sticking with me if you’ve read this far. I wanted to be frank, possibly for my own sake in exorcising (exercising?) some of my demons, but also to say to anyone who recognises any of these thoughts and feelings that there is hope and that you deserve to be kinder to yourself.
Take care,
Louise
]]>Running for mental health
Julie 🌈
]]>I count myself as being incredibly lucky: I have a job where I can work from home; Katie and I are fit and healthy (touch wood); and generally we have everything we need. I know this isn’t the case for everyone and I can understand this will have been an incredibly difficult situation for some, both emotionally and financially. Plus I can’t even imagine what those who have lost loved ones must be going through.
Of course it goes without saying that following current Government guidance is absolutely crucial right now. The work that key workers and especially front line NHS staff are doing is incredible and the absolute bare minimum we should be doing to support them is following the very simple guidance laid out.
I’m finding I’m managing to get out four or five times a week, and really just running to clear my head. Not thinking about anything, just relaxing and running easy miles. We’re fairly lucky where we live that I can be out in quiet country lanes within a mile or so, meaning social distancing isn’t too hard. I do sympathise with those who are struggling with social distancing, sometimes it’s not easy on tight paths, or where others aren’t as considerate as they should be.
If you’re struggling to get out and run please don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s absolutely fine to be doing as much or little as you’re comfortable with at the moment. If you’re a runner that relies on club nights or Parkrun for your weekly running structure then it’s completely understandable that you might be feeling like you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you. Maybe talking about it to someone might help?
Goals are very much out of the window right now. Like everyone else I’ve had my planned spring races postponed which is 100% the right thing to have happened. So what have I been doing to keep my running mojo ticking along?
This is something I saw a few people on Twitter doing, so thought I’d play along. #Rainbowrunning is just a really nice way to show support for the amazing key workers. Plus you get to raid the bottom of your running drawer and dust off some tops which probably haven’t been seen out for a while. I made a couple of donations to good causes when I completed my rainbow but there’s absolutely no obligation to do that. Let me know if you run a rainbow too.
As club isn’t currently allowed to happen we’re running our own. Katie goes to club most weeks (way more than me) and likes the group run structure to get some of her weekly miles in. She’s a relatively new runner and is working her way towards her first ten mile race.
I’m not usually one for these (with one exception the PJC crew know all about), but they’re a way to keep some of the competitive juices flowing. I’m not saying smash yourself to bits for an entire run but an effort for just a few minutes is completely fine.
If you’re on Strava maybe check out a segment or two near you, there are certainly plenty around to try.
Tony, who leads the group that I run with at Joggers has been doing a wonderful job of motivating lots of runners by posting almost daily updates in one of the Facebook groups. As well as reminding us to appreciate our surroundings and run for fun, he’s using a bit of speedwork to chip away at peoples 5k times.
At the moment this is 1k & 2k reps which I’m sure will be building as the weeks go on. I really like the fact that this is inclusive no matter a person’s base 5k time. Speedwork hasn’t been much of a focus all year for me, so it’s been nice to mix a bit in and see where my legs are.
I haven’t really been running off-road since lockdown began. Katie has instilled in me that I don’t want to be that guy who falls over in the middle of nowhere, breaks something and takes away urgent medical care from where it’s really needed right now. She’s absolutely right. I’m not by any means preaching here it’s just a decision that I’ve made for me. I love the trails, it’s absolutely where I’ll be racing for the foreseeable future, but they can wait for now.
I’m definitely feeling this, more some days than others. Should I be making more of this lockdown period doing more stretching? or more strength and conditioning? or trying out one of the plethora of free HIIT sessions that seem to clog up my social feeds? (I have actually done a couple of the Running Channels home workout routines on YouTube which I’d recommend).
I know that it’s okay to not do everything, but it is one of those things that does stress me out a bit sometimes, until I snap back into reality and decide that yes it’s actually okay to relax and read a book for once.
Until lockdown is lifted it’s more of the same really. My running will continue to be fairly easy, with hills and a bit of speedwork added into the mix for variety. Nothing crazy mileage wise though. I’m hoping there might be a few more running community virtual events that I can join in with too. I’ve signed up for Miles for Mind which runs for the month of May, so that should be fun.
Will I stretch more or do more strength and conditioning sessions? Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.
In theory I actually have a 50 mile race in nine weeks’ time. The North Downs Way 50 was postponed from mid-May to its current 4th of July date and as of today is still on the calendar. It’s a small event (250ish runners) so potentially could go ahead if current restrictions are eased. The Centurion Running race director has been excellent in communicating about a slightly amended event, where rolling starts and managed checkpoints could be implemented to ensure social distancing. Developments over the next few weeks will determine whether this actually possible or not.
If this ends up getting postponed again (which is likely) then it’ll probably be autumn or beyond before any races are possible. I’m not convinced any large scale events will be authorised at all this year, but the types of races I would be signed up for are small scale so there’s a possibly some might go ahead.
Of course races are absolutely not a priority at present, if they happen that’s a complete bonus. The most important thing right now is the health of the nation as a whole.
Keep fighting this together folks. Follow the Government guidance: Stay at home; protect the NHS; save lives (but also get that daily exercise in). Keep checking in with those who are more vulnerable. Above all else stay safe!
]]>I started struggling with anxiety in 2019 and despite therapy and medication it continued to get the better of me, fuelling depression to become an issue too. I spent months not running at all because I was either too exhausted from all-day anxiety or I felt too low in mood to get myself out of the door or do anything I enjoyed.
After many months, more therapy and some adjustments to medication I was able to find a little motivation for the odd run. I started to find a bit of enjoyment for it again and I also started using it more and more at times when I was anxious. I would often get so anxious especially during the evenings, that I’d just be a fidgety ball of anxiety which I couldn’t relax. Running was a great way to get rid of all that anxious energy that was making me feel both mentally & physically awful and it quickly become one of my go-to coping strategies.
I never found running helped hugely with my depression however a lot of my depression is driven by the anxiety, so by using running to reduce the anxiety it did, in turn, improve the depression.
I completed RED January this year with 2 of my work friends and we raised a whopping £500 for Mind. This challenge hugely motivated me to keep running for a cause that meant so much and knowing my friends were with me all the way kept me going. Recently I needed to take time off work as my anxiety & depression took a big downward turn. Running became almost daily during my time off (with my fabulous dog) and it was one of the only things that gave me some sort of routine during this time. It also continued to be my main way of managing anxiety and every time I successfully used it as a coping strategy I got a sense of pride too.
I’m taking part in miles for mind this year to try to continue my running routine and to raise awareness of mental health issues. I want to keep moving in the right direction now I’m back at work and I know running will play a huge part in me continuing to manage my mental health as well as I can.
My main goal this year is to get back into club running (something anxiety has prevented me from doing so far) and get out regularly with my local club the Red Rose Road Runners because I know in the long run (pardon the pun), having friends to run with will benefit me hugely too.
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Running has taught me…
Committing to something and really sticking by it for the long haul, even if there is no certainty or clear sense what you can achieve, if you just stick by your decision and follow it through, amazing things really do happen.
Running is not just about strengthening and conditioning your body. It’s not just about beating your times or weekly milage. It's about personal growth and realising your potential in every aspect of your life. It’s about the people you meet and the places you see. It’s about committing to yourself, counting all the small victories, getting to the starting lines and right through to celebrating your end results. Whether that be a racing event, a parkrun or even an interview for your dream job!I have since been delving into other sports too. Here’s one from an Aquathlon last year.
About me
Elouise Sylke Pemberton
Location: Blackburn, UK
Affiliations:
UKA runner for Trawden AC since 2015
Rossendale Raptors Ladies Basketball Team since 2019
Follow my journey:Instagram: @sylkiesports
Hello everybody,
Firstly, I want to introduce myself, I am James, 36 years old from Stoke on Trent. I have been running for 15 months now. I want tell you my story about my struggles with mental health, hopefully it will not make you sleepy and help you understand me.
I have always considered myself to be little different and sometimes feel I don’t belong in a crowd or certain groups of people, I still have this feeling and losing it and believing in myself is easier said than done".
From my early teenage years, I struggled at home, I’m not strong enough to disclose the whys but as a result I had to live with my uncle to enable to me to finish school. I never really was able to form friendships that would last in life. At just turned 18 an opportunity came for me to start a fresh and move to Buxton to work and live.
In that moment I had no idea the effects of my younger life would have on me going forward mentally, mental health was unknown and not spoken of then!
I had many ups and downs throughout my time there, I met some amazing people and worked with many people. I had a few promotions, bad days and I tried the relationship thing there too, however the latter wasn’t meant to be. Looking back now I know the reason why; I just was not ready to open up and trust them with my true emotions inside and was still looking for answers.
In 2011 I decided it was time to return home to Stoke, I left behind some amazing, some not so good memories and friendships, now I can call them character building times. Over the next couple of years I discovered that being alone was not fun, I even managed to burn some friendships along the because of bad choices and I regret that but if I had only talked and explained what was going on things would have been different.
In 2013 my life as I knew it would change, I rekindled a friendship with a lady who I first met at 16 and from there a leap of faith was needed, in 2015 I proposed in Edinburgh, she said yes and then 2017 it was I do. Throughout them 4 years I became stronger and more confident as a person, although I still held back and did silly things I connected with a new purpose in life and was accepted into a family again. I met new people and new friendships through people.
In 2018 my wife lost her father to cancer, this hit the family hard and throughout the previous year seeing the deterioration was so tough for everybody. He left behind a wife, 4 loving children and a lasting legacy. I have one regret, that was not telling him in person that he was like a father to me and I was grateful for everything he taught me and how he built my confidence up again. He knows now, my reservations and not opening up to people didn’t help then.
Seeing how this affected the family, my mother in law, wife and her siblings really was hard to see and I started to relapse inside and was not happy within myself, putting on a positive face only went so far.
In 2019 I decided on the back of a bet that I would do something stupid... run a half marathon! The potters arf is known for its amazing support and a few hilly downward sections. I had a challenge ahead, so I decided to raise money in memory of Alan Woodcock, my father in law. My friend Dave motivated me to get started and pointed me in the right direction.
On the way to crossing the line in 2:25 I came across a group of people that as a collective called themselves Go Team Running Club, a not for profit club with all monies raised being donated to North Staffs Mind Charity. Led by a top man and a good friend now called Ashley Wilkes of AW Running fitness this club and its committee really embraced me as one of their own and helped me believe I could do it! The inclusive nature and support are unrivalled.
I have since embraced the running and throughout 2019 and into 2020 set about improving and with the help of them and Ash I achieved a level I never imagined.
2020 has brought challenges for us all as a society and across the world, personally myself and Vicky my wife welcomed our son Henry in February to the world. He was diagnosed with a heart condition and at 6 days old had his first major operation, open heart surgery. At the time of writing this we have been at Birmingham children’s hospital for 9 weeks and neither of us have seen home since, with another operation due within the next month we need to stay here still.
This has played into the hands of emotion, stress and our mental states. I am so grateful to our family, friends, Go Team, AW, and you the running community who have been a massive support network for us. The journey continues and for us all as one we will get through it.
I’m going to finish here; I hope that this has not been a bore to read. The picture is there, for me to open up like this publicly has been tough but without the love of my wife, the strength of my son, friends and family and the running community, my life would be a different story today. As I’ve grown I’ve learned to accept my past and it will always be there but the future is what I make it.
Mental health matters and I’m now not afraid to say out loud “This is Me"
Thank you and enjoy your running. The final picture is my boy and he is our world and we are fighting for him.
James
#MilesForMind #MentalHealthMatters #runr
Instagram: jellis080983
Twitter: @jamesellis124
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I have chosen to take part in miles for mind with my mum, because I have witnessed first-hand the help and support that mind gives to people when they need it the most. My mental health started early last year after witnessing a very tragic loss whilst at a family meal, I found it very hard to come to terms with what happened on that night and I really struggled with the whole situation for over a year.
Ever since finishing my sessions, I have wanted to do something to raise money, and exercising gives me a new focus and clears my head especially when situations become stressful and anxious, so by raising money, more people can receive the support that I did, as I believe mental health is so important within everyone’s life, therefore everyone who needs the support should be able to get it because no one should face mental health alone.This led to me having to turn to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service), where I received the support that I needed from a very understanding lady who helped and supported me through the whole process. I never would have imagined myself using this service but even with my supportive family around me, I needed to take an extra step to help me when I needed it the most.
I will always encourage people to seek help and support if they need it because it was the best thing I have ever done because the 1to1 sessions enabled me to explore and converse all my worries and concerns which allowed me to then build on each one, step by step.
Molly
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I've struggled with mental health issues throughout my life from anxiety, stress and depression, on two occasions needing to take anti-depressants. It started in January 2019 I'd go to a point where I was busy and I couldn't fit in exercise. I consider myself a foodie and weight had piled on again. My partner and I decided to do a beginner’s running session ran by a local coach. He wanted to run but I said I wasn't a runner, but I thought that some exercise certainly wouldn't hurt and could only help me.
At the weekly sessions, I learnt how to use my arms, control my breathing and how to land my feet. I started to see that running wasn't that bad or as hard as I was making it. Afterwards I always felt a bit more positive for going. We kept to the session every week even when it was dark and cold. I found myself doing other exercise too.
In the spring, a lady at the session mentioned to me that she'd joined the local running club and how friendly they were. I'd been thinking about but I suppose I was nervous and my anxiety stopped me. What if I'm slow? What if I can't do it? What if I need to walk? Will I fit in? But after seeing what a difference a free session once a week could do, I thought what the heck!
I went to the first trial session, a 5K, which I hadn't run yet so I was straight in the deep end. Everyone was supportive and friendly. It was made up of people at different stages with their running but they had all started as beginners. I was buddied up with some other ladies to stick with me at my pace and show me the route. They gently encouraged me up to this lamp post, up to this car and we walked when I needed to but I did and finished. Running was giving me a boost. It was OK to be nervous and anxious but if I just tried, I could do it. I had to start somewhere and I would improve if I just kept going.
I joined the club and began going to the session each week and running on my own when I could. I found myself improving as I tried, getting a bit quicker, walking a bit less or going a bit further. Then I suppose it snowballed quickly into a genuine love for running. I love the happiness I feel when I’m out running and feel good factor afterwards. I'm now 4 stone lighter so physically healthier and fitter from the running and exercise I’ve been doing. I can't measure the change in my mental health by a number but I know I feel more positive and running has shown me how strong my mind and body are to new challenges and things that might seem impossible.
"It always seems impossible, until it’s done."
]]>I began running in the latter part of 2017. I had an early midlife crisis and decided that I needed to do something about my weight and lifestyle.
I was in my 30th year, about to welcome my second child into the world, my eating was out of control and I tipped the scales at just over 16 stone. I lacked personal confidence, I hated seeing pictures of myself and knew I was setting a poor example of health and wellbeing to my family. This more than simply losing weight, a change of outlook and lifestyle was needed.
This was about more than my personal health and wellbeing, it was the health and wellbeing of my whole family at stake. I returned home from holiday and found a local gym running early morning bootcamp sessions, my fitness journey began with fear and trembling.
I was the among the slowest people to complete sets, I was among the last people back from any runs but I was part of a community of people who wanted me to succeed. My gains were quick and before I knew it my weight was dropping and my fitness increasing. I was very quickly at the front of the pack and the one people were looking up to during sessions. The surprise in it all was the increase in my own mental wellbeing. It was always a fight to get out of bed for the 6am sessions, but I never regretted a session and found my mood and outlook improving. After a couple of months I wanted to supplement sessions with more exercise and decided running was the simplest thing I could do. Before long running became my favourite form of exercise and slowly replaced the bootcamp sessions as I became more focused and aimed to run my first half marathon.
Our second son arrived in December 2017, and he did so with a bang. He was born at home before the midwives arrived and continued to turn our world upside down from that point. Without knowing it, I had slipped into a form of paternal post natal depression. I had nothing to give and wanted to crawl into a hole, forget the world and never get up again. I resented our second child for the stress he was causing me personally and the pressure he was putting us under as a family. I spent so much time bursting into tears and was surviving at work by the skin of my teeth.
I was no use to Catrin at home and had become more of a burden than a help. The only thing in my life that gave me any sense of worth, completion and joy was running. Getting out in the fresh air and training kept me just on the edge of the deep pit I feared falling in. Running became my medication. Running was no longer a means for losing weight and gaining fitness, it was a life saving, essential activity. Running has continued to be my time to process my struggles and celebrate my joys. Training for events gives me a sense of completion and achievement that work and family life are rarely able to provide. Being a runner has gained me entry into a wonderful community of people who support and encourage me each day.
I ran my first half marathon and have gone on to run 4 full marathons and several shorter distance races. My aim is to run 2 marathons a year from now on. I have lost 4 stone in weight and have maintained that weight loss. All of those achievements pale into insignificance in light of the benefit running has had on my health and the health of my family. My boys are desperate to run with me and my eldest recently completed his first mile with me. It may sound corny but running has completely changed our life.
Running is as good for the body as it is for the mind and the soul. Running is a lifeline and a life giver and that is why I am proud to be supporting Miles for Mind this year and have pledged to run 125 miles.
Twitter: @benjamin_lines
90% of the time that I am running, I hate running. Ok, “hate” is a strong word but I really don’t enjoy it… perhaps an odd thing to open with given that this is meant to be a blog about the benefits of running. But let’s face it, what’s to enjoy? My lungs burn, my knee twinges, my feet are shredded after long distances, and occasionally I catch sight of my reflection in a shop window: a horrifying sweaty mess, shuffling along with lycra clinging in all the unforgiving places. So when my girlfriend’s first sleepy words are “enjoy your run, babe” as I lump out of bed in the morning and she rolls back over, my usual response is “unlikely, but I’ll try”.
And yet I truly believe that running helped (and continues to help) save me from the lingering dark cloud of depression.
I am an over-achiever, I will pretty much do anything for a certificate and I definitely don’t google what the finisher’s medal for a run I have signed-up to looks like (except I do). The trouble with being goal-oriented is that, without a goal, things can seem frustratingly pointless. Running gives me a goal, whether that’s a distance to cover or a PB to smash, and sometimes that’s the light in the dark.
Bad runs happen… except no one wants to post a bad run on social media (#trippedoverthecurb) so we can be forgiven for thinking we’re alone on those days. It’s so much easier for everyone else, isn’t it? They’re so much faster. They’re not in pain. They didn’t make a bad underwear choice and keep stopping to remove a wedgie. But running taught me to accept that the bad runs happen, they’re not a sign of failure, and so I should be kind to myself when they do… and think ahead on underwear.
So much of my depression stems from not liking my body. I wasn’t proud of it, I didn’t trust it, and I couldn’t see why anyone else would want to be close to it. Running helps me build a better relationship with my body; I take care of it and love it a little more than I did. My legs hurt after 8 miles but they will carry me on if I tell them, my feet will heal and my 32-year-old body can run 13.1 miles faster than my 28-year-old body could. We’re getting there.
My running shoes are the first thing packed in my bag when I go on holiday. Running in new places has shown me some of the most beautiful things: my favourite beach in the world, city streets before the rest of the world has woken, hidden artworks, perfect little cafes.
I don’t mean this in an abstract, metaphysical way. Right now, they world is in lockdown. We are necessarily curtailing our own liberties to try and save lives during a pandemic. It’s the right thing to do, of course it is, but I am climbing the walls! There is only so much Netflix a girl can watch and every day is a battle to stay out of the fridge. But my morning run has taken out a whole new meaning. Now it’s not just to keep fit or train for the next run; it’s a chance to be outside and be immersed in the world for a little while before locking down again.
So, no, I don’t love running. I don’t adore the act of putting one foot in front of the other at speed. But I do love what running does for me and those are more than enough reasons to keep running.
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As my mother descended deeper into a mental health hell, the ripples from her depression spread throughout the family. Several suicide attempts followed.When I met Carole, my angel, our relationship grew quite quickly and we married. That was a significant foundation stone for me for many reasons, but most importantly it gave me a solid and reliable base to live by. My mother suffered a severe mental breakdown a few years after I met Carole. It was not exactly clear at the time, but on reflection I see that somehow fate/the universe/angels/God put Carole in my life at exactly the right time.
Wow. That is not easy to write. It is still very raw and emotional, with the most serious of her suicide attempts causing severe organ damage and hospitalisation for a long period.
My siblings and myself have had a crash course in the NHS mental health system and the drugs available to treat depression and the rollercoaster that comes with living with these conditions.
This has affected us all, deeply.
Over a decade later the damage to my mother and the immediate family circle is clear to see. My mother battles day and daily with physical and mental health issues.
Some days are good, some days are bad. Others are just dark.
Dark places produce dark ideas, dark conversations and dark moods.
Those dark conversations that I have had with mum have impacted on me severely to the point that two years ago I crashed! Mentally crashed. I had a breakdown …
To lay all of the blame for my anxiety on my mother’s depression would be wrong. I had a tough childhood during the Troubles in Northern Ireland. I saw and experienced things that no child should have to. We had an abnormal upbringing where we accepted things that others could not envisage as being in any way acceptable. One or two of these experiences had scarred me deeply, scars that I had buried away, scars that came to the surface as my mother’s breakdowns forced long-suppressed emotions from me.Approaching this crucial point of my life, I had started attending a local gym where I had got fitter and leaner. I had learnt about diet and training; this gave me tools to protect my physical health. What it didn’t do was address the mental health issues bubbling beneath the surface.
Sunday 17 June 2018 was Father’s Day. It was a nice day of cards and gifts with good food and company, and certainly no indication of what was to come. I awoke the following day, Monday, as normal, dressed for work, ate breakfast and waved Carole and our son goodbye as they left the house. But something wasn’t right. Something inside was growing and I was not sure what it was. It was akin to a cloud growing from within me and it started to engulf me. That is how it felt to me – that I was being consumed by this dark ominous cloud. I got into the car and the anxiety levels grew. Confusion was developing as I started to panic. What was happening to me? What the f*** was going on?
I drove to the end of the driveway and stopped.
Turn left or right?
I didn’t know.
I knew I wasn’t going to work, but where I was going, I honestly didn’t know.
I have looked back at this point numerous times. I had no desire to hurt myself - well that has always been my thinking, but I was definitely leaving and not coming back. What I was running from was unclear, fear and a natural flight mode that had taken over.
I am so relieved it all happened the way it did. I turned left, then right, then left and I kept going. I sat in commuter traffic mentally falling apart with tears coming and going. Autopilot was engaged and I floated unconsciously to a destination. I arrived at Carole’s office and dialled her number; the subconscious desire for survival was keeping me going and controlling my actions. My conscious being was a passenger, a spectator, to everything that was going on. Carole left work got in the car as I drove a short distance before parking up, then I broke down. I have never cried like that before. So deep, so hard and so emotionally draining. Carole listened and then held me, just held me. I needed that so much. Whatever I had buried deep within finally erupted and there was no going back!
I am relieved to be still here, to not have gone away … whatever that meant.
Now I had to deal with these issues; the genie was out of the bottle and could not be put back in no matter how often he struggled to return to his home.
Many conversations have occurred since then. Mostly with my loving wife, some with my mum and others with friends that I have discovered are true friends, and in some cases are as flawed as I am.
I have also asked for help, finally. I am awaiting counselling to help me primarily, but also to help me help my mum.
I have taken to writing, both a journal and blogs, hence why I have written this. I have also starting writing poetry to confront the historical issues that I had buried away, some of which I have now read publically at a local poetry group meeting.
But one source of comfort has aided more than any.
Running.
I had read many times about the benefits of running; however, my training was cardio light and weights dependant. This training gave me a platform of a lighter frame and great base knowledge to work from, however now was time to evolve it. Couch 2 5k had been mentioned many times in books and social media so I downloaded the app to my phone. Then I purchased basic gear and started week one.
I felt very self-conscious about everything. Did I have the right kit? Was I running the right way? Did I look ridiculous? Why am I walking then running then walking? Surely I could just run? To cope with this feeling of inadequacy I ran early in the morning, like REALLY early. 5.30 a.m. was a shock to the system and I chose a local forest park as there would be less people about, Goodness! Running is hard! Why didn’t anyone warn me?!
I had often commented on passing joggers and runners whilst driving in the car; what was the point of it? I saw running on a football pitch as having a point, having a goal (no pun intended) but running with no specific aim was pointless surely?
How wrong I was. What I discovered on these runs was a revelation!
I was facing my greatest opponent ever - myself. My inner self to be exact. Those demons in my head that said I couldn’t do it, that laughed and mocked me every time I went out; that self-doubt which only grew with each and every challenge I faced. Couch 2 5k became my ‘road to Damascus’.
Downloading the app Strava was my first link to this important fact. I could interact remotely with other runners. Dip my toe in the community so to speak.I faced and overcame some of my demons. I found that the more I challenged myself the more I grew as a person. My confidence returned. I discovered something else; that runners are nice people, they are a community that welcomes all and they encourage every single person.
Wow, just wow. Everyone was so nice and everyone was there to help. I enjoyed the comradeship again of kindred spirits, people with similar goals or desires.So, what was it next that I wanted to learn? Well that was also a revelation. Runners do have goals and purpose. I discovered PBs (personal best). I discovered what it was to run against yourself and a previous time; I discovered what it was like to push yourself to be quicker or run further. My self-confidence grew so much so that I entered 5k races.
Then I decided to buy some new gear, and really push myself.
10ks came along and I trained for them. Another milestone successfully passed and I looked on the horizon for the next challenge, which I found in the form of the Great North Run! A half marathon, to some it is a gentle run, but to me it was akin to Everest. An unsurmountable peak to tackle After all, only two years ago I had run and walked for twenty minutes with lungs that strained under the pressure. Now, here I was, clocking up 15 miles a week and try to grow and develop on that, according to my training plan.
This training plan lives on my fridge door and gives me structure and purpose, but it also gives me a regular dose of medicine. For running is now my medicine, my drug of choice. It sorts my head out. When I run, I can find my zen moment like mediation does for some, because my mind is on my pace, my breathing, my stride, my direction, the route and any traffic around me. I zone out from my daily issues, or sometimes I focus on one issue at a time. I line them all up and deal with them one after another, this way I am not surrounded by them, swamped and overwhelmed by them. I can cope with the issues on my mind.
Running is my escape. It is my time to deal with anything bubbling away in the background; it is my safety valve.
Running as a coping mechanism has developed within me so much so that if I am being grumpy around the house or if I seem down Carole will say to me “Do you not think you should go for a run?” I have got to the stage where the benefits of my runs also benefit my family.
They see how different I am when running regularly and when I am not.
As I said before my relationship with Carole is the foundation. Without her understanding I would not be out hours every week pounding the paths and roads instead of being at home. Without her encouragement and the odd kick up the backside I would not get out of bed and out the door for a run on those cold, damp and dark mornings. Without her I may not have made it through that fateful Monday morning back in June 2018. But with her I did; with her, I explored my issues and I found answers.
With her, I found the outlets that would help soothe my soul and deal with my scars. The most beneficial of which is running. To chat with others on the runs. Those nods, smiles and waves of fellow runners who you may not know personally, but somehow you share a bond with. To have a structure for my week; to have those targets and goals to keep my mind focused; to find a release for the tensions, and escape the dark times.
To find time for me.
And there it is. The epiphany. The key to it all.
It is time for ME! Time to concentrate on myself and to take time to self-care.
Running may not be the answer for everyone, but it was the answer for me.
Take care of yourselves first, then you can care for others.
]]>Since having my first child in 2015 I have been struggling mentally for the past years and I had a lot of down times. I kept it to myself and I didn’t want to talk about it because I thought it was just one of those 'bad days'. But then, over the next years I still had way too many ‘bad days’ and kept falling into this dark hole until it got to the point where I thought to myself that this is not how I want to live - I want to be happy and I want to do something about it. I went to my GP and he diagnosed me with postnatal depression and put me on medication which has helped me a lot. I also started running again (I did running before I had my daughter) but I took it more seriously this time and I soon fell in love with running - I signed up for 10k runs, did the local park run, and run a half marathon.
In October 2018 I gave birth to our second child and my depression and anxiety almost instantly returned. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions which is completely normal for a new mum but I struggled, I struggled a lot. My midwife referred me to Perinatal Mental Health, a post-natal support network which extends further into the future than your traditional health visiting service. Soon after, I went back on my medication, got back on track, and I started running again. And I have to say, I missed it, I missed it a lot. Running helps me free my mind, I feel so good, and proud after every run. No matter how long or how far, I always come back in a better mood than when I left.In 2018 I was overjoyed when I found out I would be expecting my second child and felt well enough to come off my medication. Shortly after, I stopped running as it didn’t feel comfortable during pregnancy and went swimming instead, but it just wasn’t the same. After seeing the midwife and talking about how I felt in the past they recommended I should give CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) a chance, which has helped me appreciate and understand how the mind works. They also suggested I contact Mindful Mums, a meet up for pregnant women and new mums to look after themselves, and to talk about mental health. Since taking part in the Mindful Mums group, I quickly realised I wasn't alone. Everyone struggles, some more than others, but for all of us in that group, being together really helped us get through a tough time.
I know it’s hard but I can only encourage people who have one ‘bad day’ after the other, feel down, depressed and low or simply can't find happiness and joy to please go and seek help and don't hide with your feelings. There is a lot of help out there and you soon will see that you are not alone.‘It is perfectly ok to admit you are not ok’ - It really is. The hardest part though is to admit that you are not ok. I remember that when I went to my GP the very first time to talk about my mental health I broke down in tears. It was so hard to actually go to the appointment, I kept putting it off. But I felt so good after, relieved and happy in a weird way. Relieved because I could tell somebody what was on my mind and how I am feeling, why I am feeling this way, and happy; because I actually went to the appointment. It felt like the sun was rising on a new day, that would help me get out of this dark place. I knew it was going to be a long journey.
If you want to join me on my journey, please follow me on Instagram on runningmymind_ > https://www.instagram.com/runningmymind_/I am glad that I went to seek help as I am in a much better place now. After years of benefiting from the help that is out there I felt like it was time to give back so I signed up for the Royal Parks Half Marathon last year and raised money for Mind. I am looking forward to run for Mind again, a wonderful charity which has helped me.
Thank you xx
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I think I have always suffered with low level anxiety- I am your classic worrier. The “did I turn that off?” or the “have I offended so and so because they haven’t replied?”. It always seemed quite normal to me, I’d never really thought anything of it. However, over the last 6 or so years it got progressively worse. My worry wasn’t sporadic anymore. It felt like a constant pressure on my chest and constant butterflies in my stomach (which I renamed worriflies, because these weren’t the beautiful little creatures that we think of). There was nothing I could do to shake that feeling of dread and impending doom, it was relentless. This was just the start of my uphill battle.I started running accidentally, if I’m honest. I started to support my step-mum who wanted to find a local running club. I was only meant to go for one session originally. What I didn’t realise at the time was that it actually helped me more than I could ever appreciate.
Panic attacks soon started. The physical manifestation of the anxiety that I had been hiding for so so long. The irony of them is that you are so keen to keep it a little secret that the worry makes you feel worse. It can be a vicious cycle. I got to a point where some days I could not leave the house. A lorry going past the front window, or a kid on the way home from school with their parent would have me fleeing the lounge and running for cover under the duvet. Just pure sheer panic and over the smallest of things. I would get to the office and sit in my chair and the oh so familiar sense of breathlessness would overwhelm me. This was not living. I was existing. Pretending. Hurting. Silently needing help.
Panic attacks can be vicious and not just because of the hyperventilating. The post-panic attack headache and extreme exhaustion can be so debilitating. This was a side of anxiety that I never knew existed until the panic attacks were mine. It was quite a traumatic experience and could knock me out for a whole day, sometimes even longer. I just felt vacant and like I was on autopilot. Who can function like this?
I had loved my running club so much. I used to enter tonnes of events, and I used to run with my sister and step-mum. It was just great. I was sadly injured and so was unable to run for 6 months and then life took over and I regrettably never went back. However, a year later my friends started doing couch to 5K, aware I wasn’t myself and was struggling, they encouraged me to start with them. So I did…
Well, I have never enjoyed the thought of going running, and sometimes even when I am running, I am not totally sold, but afterwards? There is no feeling like it: the pink cheeks from the cold winter air, the sense of achievement and the freedom it gives you. There is no feeling like it. It was sometimes the only thing that got me out of my ‘anxiety smog’, even if it was just for that 15-20 minutes. The same Jen never returned home as the one that left. Now, I am not saying it was the big magic fixer of all of my problems, but it gave me hope and gave me enough of a boost to see a small glimmer of light in the overbearing darkness. I am now on an anti-anxiety medication and receiving therapy. I am finally starting to feel more and more like my old self every day. It is still a rollercoaster of a journey, but it is one I know I can run, and it is one I know I don’t have to run alone. I would encourage anyone who is in the same position to grab their trainers, give it a go and just breathe. I think you’ll be surprised at how much it can change your life.
Jen { aka Anxious and Adventurous x
]]>I started trying out different exercises, Zumba DVDs, everyone at work was cycling so tried this but nothing stuck yet I didn’t want to be the woman that restricted food so exercise was the only option. I had run a Race for Life in my early 20s think 5k isn’t that far, it took me 42 minutes, I ran/walked it and felt stupid towards the end but fast forward a few years and I thought I’d give it another go. Downloading the C25K app, I laced up an old pair of cheap trainers, a cotton shirt, some loose shorts and headed out, the first session was simply run for a minute, walk for 90 seconds about 10 times but at the end, I was sweating, breathing heavily but elated, I had done it, I kept to the programme and by the end ran the 5k in about 30 minutes, I was in love. I downloaded the next app, C210K and soon completed that and was then downloading running apps, buying new gear and slowly upping my miles. 6 months later and I joined my local club, daunted as I’m not great at meeting new people, a great side effect of an anxiety disorder but I resolved, went to my first interval session and promptly fell asleep as soon as I got home from exhaustion.
Over the last four years running has shaped my life, living with OCD I’m frequently consumed with dark, violent thoughts that make me hate myself, doubt myself but simply getting outside for a run provides a distraction, shows me what I’m capable of. My mental illness is not at all visible, my mind is my own worst enemy, it taunts me that I’m not fast enough, I’m not going far enough, that I look stupid but then I see someone else running, they smile and wave and I’m elated I share this with strangers. Having OCD sometimes ruins running for me, OCD is defined as intrusive thoughts that we feel compelled to remove by doing something and it attacks the things you love, I can often be found in a spiral fearing what I’m capable of and worst outcomes, running has been a victim of this. I can have times when running becomes a chore, I have to do it, I have to do a certain amount of miles otherwise I’ll stop doing it and if I stop, I’ll get fat and if I get fat, people won’t like me anymore. It’s an odd train of thought but one common amongst the OCD community that run, we’re torn, do we run and get rid of the thought giving into OCD or do we not run and live with severe anxiety and guilt?
On days like that, I run, but not as far as I feel I should do, I run as far as I want to satisfy my love of running whilst not giving into OCD. It’s impacted racing, I’m tense with anxiety and my head forces me to stop and walk, as I’m battling the ‘you can’t do this, you’re not good enough to do this’.
But I can, my love of running always wins, it’s given me a new family, my running club and the online community are some of the most supportive people I have ever met and even those without a diagnosed illness have days where their head gets in the way, we’ve all had it and we can all do it. Running has shown me some simple pleasures in life, seeing an owl or deer across the field, the frost early in the morning, a far away lightening storm or 50 runners in fancy dress as we head out for our annual Christmas run. It’s given me a routine, club meets 3 times a week and gets me out of the house into the fresh air, it’s given me perspective, my slow is another’s fast and my sprint is another’s gentle jog. It’s given me frank conversations, people truly open up and become friends for life, it’s shown me what the body is capable of, 4 years ago I couldn’t run for a minute and now I happily go out for 13 miles on a Sunday morning. It’s shown me that no matter what, no matter how low I get, how bad everything seems, I can move, I can run.
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We want to say a huge thank you to Serena for sharing her blog and being so open. #MentalHealthMatters
]]>A year ago if someone had suggested the idea of a 10km trail run, I would have thought they were joking, there was no way someone like me could do something like that, surely? Growing up, I had never enjoyed exercise. I found it difficult, I had terrible hand-eye coordination and felt very self-conscious about my weight and the way I looked. These feelings stayed with me into adulthood and the fact that the only runners I had ever seen in the media were slim and athletic-looking only further convinced me that I wouldn't be able to run so there was no point in trying.
Throughout my early to mid-twenties, I tried exercise classes or going to the gym but would become impatient at not getting results quickly enough or would simply fall out of the habit of going after a few months. But then in 2017, my marriage broke down and I went through an awful divorce. It was only after it ended that I realised how unhealthy that relationship had been for me, I was so used to being talked over that it felt almost as if I had no longer got a voice of my own. I felt increasingly isolated as people who I had thought cared about me were quick to judge me or cut me off. If it wasn't for the few people who stuck by me and sent me cards, spent evenings on the phone to me, took me out for tea and cake or offered me a place to stay, I'm not sure where I would have been. Things got so bad that I was in an almost constant state of anxiety, always looking over my shoulder when I was out, being fearful when someone knocked at the door and having to triple check I'd locked the door before I could go to bed.
Thankfully later that year, I started a new relationship that was much healthier for me. I found someone who respected me and listened to me; someone who believed in me and encouraged me. Because of this, I found the confidence to try running. I started Couch to 5k (https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/get-running-with-couch-to-5k/ ) and it was incredibly tough to begin with but even on the days when I felt like a failure, my partner Zak encouraged me to keep going. Each week, I was feeling less and less like a failure and more and more like I had achieved
something. Each time I went out for a run, I had less of the negative voice in my head telling me that I couldn't do it and was more able to concentrate on enjoying my surroundings.
On a very hot July morning in 2018, I ran my first 5k at my local Race for Life and I felt such a sense of achievement from finishing it. Afterwards, I wanted something to motivate me to continue with my running because I didn't want it to be another thing that I tried for a while and gave up with. So I signed up for a 10k run at Disneyland Paris with Zak. The atmosphere at Run Disney weekend was amazing and we enjoyed it so much that we decided to do it all again this year, except this time we are taking part in their 36km Challenge which means running 5k on the Friday evening, 10k on the Saturday morning and a half marathon on the Sunday morning!
Along with the running, I had a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) from my local branch of Mind. This helped me to find a way to deal with my worries and anxieties to prevent them from turning into a negative spiral. Mental health is a cause that is very personal to us both as Zak has had his own battles with mental illness. We wanted to be able to give something back to Mind for the help that they gave me, and to ensure that this help remains available to anyone who needs it.
We decided to create a challenge of our own, aiming to run 1,500km between us across the whole of 2019, which we then upped to 1,000 miles. We wanted to not only raise some much needed funds for our local branch of Mind but also to raise awareness of mental health issues, and the way in
which exercise can help to manage some of the symptoms of mental illness. There are a couple of excellent books I've read around how exercise can be beneficial to people suffering with mental illness – Jog On by Bella Mackie and Eat, Drink, Run by Bryony Gordon. I found both of these women to be really motivational and their books are written in a very conversational and reader-friendly way meaning they were great to read on the train to and from work or while chilling out in the garden. It is great that conversation around mental health is really being opened up now.
I really want to show people that it is possible to go from not being able to run for a bus to running 5 or even 10k. I started going to my local park run at the beginning of this year where I managed to bring my 5k time down from 39.20 on my first park run to 34.53 on my eighth park run. Together, Zak and I have signed up for a few virtual running challenges, including Miles for Mind, and have also taken part in some organised running events local to where we live. We have plenty more events coming up so we are hoping to have a house full of medals by the end of the year!
If anyone would like to follow us on our journey, we have our own Facebook page: Sarah and Zak's 1000 Miles for Mind and we have a Just Giving page with a little more about our story: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/1500kmessexchallenge
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Thanks to Sarah for sharing her story #MentalHealthMatters
]]>The alarm goes off, I roll out of bed, cold, tired and fed up. But I have to go. I have to pull myself together and get myself out on that run. If I don’t the consequences will be worse. My brain will spend the day ruining me and making me feel like a complete failure. One foot pounding in front of the other, my eyes go fuzzy, my head is throbbing, but I have no choice. I am already dreading my alarm going off the next day, but know full well that before that even happens I have to run again later on.
That was my life for so many years. Trapped inside my own brain letting anorexia dictate everything that I was doing. I saw no way out and whilst I began to hate running I thought this was the only solution. The only way to be okay with life. Little did I know that the more I listened to that voice in my head, that voice of anorexia, the voice that I thought was my best friend. I longed to make it happy and allowed it to suck me in deeper and deeper.
But I didn’t realise how dangerous this was. I didn’t realise that by letting anorexia dictate my life was slowly killing me.
Fast forward 4 years after that friendship developed and you will find me lying in a hospital bed. My heart came close to stopping so I had no other choice but to be admitted to a mental health hospital where I spent a year of my life recovering.
The thing about exercise and eating disorders is that it becomes a bit of a minefield. What for me had started out as something I was very good at slowly became this dangerous obsession so you can’t really blame the hospital I was in for not letting me exercise. A long 9 months in hospital with the odd 30-minute walk and I longed to feel the wind in my hair, that cold sharp feeling of dry sweat that you get when running. But would this ever be possible? Would I be able to generate a healthy relationship between food, my brain and exercise?
I was lucky in hospital as Mandy, one of the nurses, took me out for a few runs a week when I was 9 months in to my admission. And it felt amazing. That first run and that complete and utter freedom. But what next? Do I eat the same amount of food? Or more…? I had no idea. I had completely lost all my understanding around food and being able to listen to my body. I ended up asking Mandy these direct but for me silly but essential questions.
Getting back in to running and exercise helped me to increase my confidence. I realised that I would be much better at running if I fuelled myself in the right way. It was trial and error at first but over time I began to learn what I should eat after exercising to get my body back on track. It has also helped change my understanding around food and fuel. I don’t work out any more to lose calories or lose weight but to be a healthy individual. I work out to give me that thinking space and to help me process life.
I do still have to be mindful of my exercise. I have this tendency when life feels challenging to think that doing more exercise will somehow solve how I am feeling. It will fix the situation and make it all okay. When this happens now I feel confident about getting back on track. I tend to go back to my Personal Trainer to get me back on track and make myself have enforced rest days.
As individuals we need to be mindful and in-tune with ourselves so that healthy exercise and eating come hand in hand. We need to be able to tell if we are exercising out too much or for the wrong reasons. We also need to be mindful of the messages that society constantly bombards us with. These aren’t healthy. We have a duty of care to tackle this in our own day to day conversations so that people can use exercise as a positive and not as a way to punish ourselves.
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Thanks to Hope for sharing this with us and you can follow her on Twitter - @HopeVirgo #MentalHealthMatters
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I decided that I was going to give running a go. At the time I could barely run for 200m without being out of breath. I gave couch to 5k a go but it didn’t work for me. I didn’t have the “get up and go” to...well get up and go. So I decided to join a running club. It was quite nerve wracking to sign up. I can honestly say joining the Redway Runners in Milton Keynes was the best decision I could have made. Everyone was so friendly and helpful. It really took a huge pressure off. To keep me motivated and give me something to work for I did what all over ambitious people do and signed up for a marathon. So in Sept, exactly 1 year and 1 week after my first group run, I will take on the Berlin Marathon. I couldn’t think of a better charity to do it for than Mind.
As for how running has helped me prevent depression, I use running as my time to smile. Going out and pushing myself to go faster or further makes me smile (albeit not at the time). Running with new friends makes me realise what a fantastic decision it was.
Jack
Many thanks to Jack for sharing his story and you can follow him here:
Instagram - Jacksrunningchallenge
Www.justgiving.com/jacksrunningchallenge